Something Peculiar Day

Something familiar, 
Something peculiar, 
Something for everyone:

A comedy tonight!

Nothing with kings, nothing with crowns;

Bring on the lovers, liars and clowns!

Old situations,

New complications,

Nothing portentous or polite;

Tragedy tomorrow,

Comedy tonight!

-from A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum

Some things just defy comment.

I have wanted to use this picture for so long; it just never seemed appropriate, it still isn't I suppose.

There exists a fine line between social commentary and outright ridicule.

I imagine some will think this crosses that fine line.

Now wasn't that better than some tired, long-winded joke about me getting engaged, moving to Mississippi or supporting Sarah Palin? The date Emily, look at the date.

Potassium

Since deciding to exercise more I have been experiencing some minor leg cramps; charley horses usually at night. Now we all know that a healthy potassium level often prevents those nasty knots in the calf. So I thought I should make a quick surf to find some high potassium edibles.

The banana is the most obvious. Ripeness being the primary component of a good banana.

Papaya is another good source, I often combine them with other yummy fruits in a mid-morning Jamba Juice breakfast.

Don't you really enjoy finding out something you like is also good for you. Once again ripeness is a key with the avocado.

Next on the potassium hit parade, my favorite legume -- lentils, in all hues.

Spinach - just don't cook it, give it to me tender and raw.

But for me, it's really hard to get past the banana for a perfectly delectable source of K. Besides there are so many great banana pictures.

That's a laser engraved banana.

This is actually an eraser but nice colors!

In case you missed my words of wisdom the first few times - it really is all about the ripeness. 

Yes that is a statue, a life-size piece of art, 

well life-size for the woman not the banana.

Humor

Do you train your friends to not send you internet humor? I do, or at least I discourage most of it but leave a couple of avenues open because several of my friends and relatives have very strange and entertaining funny bones. The other day someone not on my 'humor allowed' list sent me a list of 50 one-liners and a note that said "I'll bet that you wouldn't be ashamed to put at least a dozen of these on your blog." Let's see, remember he said a dozen. [added comments are mine]

3. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die [along with emptying the contents of 'that' drawer or in the case of certain friends 'that' closet]

9. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong [the measure of wisdom is what you say next]

16. There is great need for a sarcasm font [if only so people we are trying to insult would get it and visa versa]

21. Google maps really needs to start directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure by now I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

29. Bad decisions make good stories [and great blogs]

31. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call [Yep, I have two]

38. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still don't understand a word they are saying? [I did this once on a date, I was shocked when I later discovered what I had agreed to]

42. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important [I like juxtapositional humor. Two contortionists walk into a bar . . .]

So, 8 out of 50 not bad but not a dozen either.

Let me leave you with a blond joke from one of my unblocked sources.

A short, thin heavily spectacled middle-aged guy shuffles into a bar, sits down in front of the bartender and orders a shot. The bartenders smirks, assumes he didn't notice he had walked into a bar called the Dyke's Den, she serves him his drink. The man downs the shot and says:

"You wanna hear a blond joke?"

The bartender says: "Maybe you want to look up here first."

The guy looks up at the six foot two blond bartender as she says:

"Wendy here is our waitress." 

Wendy has more tattoos than the guy has ever seen and she too is blond.

"Joyce at the door is our bouncer."

The guy swivels in his chair to see golden haired Joyce in full motorcycle leathers and a nasty look on her face.

"and Mary over there is the owner."

Mary seems to fill the door of the office near the back of the bar, she has to go 250 and, of course, platinum hair. 

"You sure you want to tell a blond joke?" asked the bartender.

"Well hell no," said the guy "not if I am going to have to repeat it four times."

Friends Along the Way

A couple of my readers have asked for some observations about the many friends and family I have seen in the past eleven months on my journey. I have thought about this for awhile and decided I need both a serious and a humorous version. You decide which one this is.

Driving: To at least three of you: I will never get in a car again with you behind the wheel. That goes for golf carts and if we take a bike ride, I want you out front, so I can see the accident coming.

Food: I am 'thinking about dessert', does not mean double chocolate with whipped cream in a small tub delivered to my room. Having your own stash of carry-out styrofoam is an obvious giveaway to your intentions. But mostly, thank all of you for not cooking like the ladies in my family of origin.

Television & DVRs: I had no idea some of those shows even existed. Those I did know about, I was sure I knew no one who watched them. It truly must take all kinds. Wii, on the other hand, is an entirely different issue.

Pets: I love all the cats, even the ones that won't come out to play. Those last two dogs were pretty cool too, but they smelled like gingerbread.

Mattresses: Many thanks to anyone who owns a firm guest bed. So far no one has caught me sleeping on the floor.

Alcohol: I approve of the upgrades you have all made in the variety and quality of your imbibing concoctions. Particularly the grape-based liquids.

Hot Tubs: Two perfect. One empty. One tepid.

Availability of Suitably Aged Female Companionship: You are all miserable failures, except one.

Wildlife: This would be the Sierra Club type of wildlife, not the variety inferred in the previous category. A gold star to Mt. Shasta, silver to the Windsor foxes, bronze to the white cat.

Best Sci-Fi Series: Hands down the offering at Beit Malkhut.

Smallest Hut which can actually be lived in: Golden Ridge in Sebastopol.

Best Grill: Gallop Road, Weed California.

Best Wine: Five way tie.

Best Barbeque: Everett & Jones, Berkeley, Ca.

Best Bunch of 60+ yr. olds to party with: K College Reunion, OK so maybe not so much partying but still great to see everyone.

I would rebook at any of the stops I have made this year. Now on to the southern portion of our travel program.

Condoms & Condom Devices

The picture above is of a 'device', which is apparently used to assist in the application of a condom. Also apparently this task has become more difficult in recent times or perhaps this is just another indication that indeed men's brains do function poorly when blood is diverted for other purposes. In either case, anyone with a Y chromosome will take one look at that 'device' and offer a less than polite no thank you. But first looks can be deceiving.

Earlier this year I was at a medical equipment, paraphernalia, gimmick convention in Las Vegas where these items were being demonstrated. No, it was not a live demo but they did use anatomically correct and variously sized dildoes. Since then I have had this information in my "future posts" file. Today is the day.

The device is marketed under the brand name Pronto and was named The Most Beautiful Object in a 2007 South African Design competition. This from the product literature:

The applicator allows a condom to be put on easily and rapidly. The user holds the device with the thumb and forefinger of both hands, pulling the condom down over the penis in a single rapid movement.

Yes, there is a video demonstration, which might actually change the mind of any quick draws out there.

And for the purposes of keeping this blog within the bounds of public service educational content as opposed to prurient interest.

Condom - a thin sheath, usually of rubber, worn over the penis during sexual intercourse to prevent conception or sexually transmitted disease.

Synonyms: French letter, contraceptive, johnny, prophylactic, protection, raincoat, rubber, safe, sheath.

The additional picture is just an additional picture I had in my photo folder and bears no connection to the Pronto condom device, but its a cool picture.

[Update: Pronto condoms are now marketed at 4 sec condoms but remain unavailable in the U.S. because of a high level of demand and several nasty plastic pinching incidents.]

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Photo credits: archives